POCKET LINT.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Is Now "The Courtney Show"

I realize that this post is a day late (and possibly several dollars short), but Time Warner Cable must have a vendetta against me because my TV literally went out 30 seconds into the episode.  Is that some kind of sign that I'm killing brain cells or does Chris Harrison remotely control my DVR and this was the only way to shut me up?

I wish.

DATES

Anyhoo, it's all about The Bachelor's upcoming hometown date, so this time in Belize is just gravy en route there. (Yum.  Gravy.)  I'm a little surprised that they didn't visit the rain forest, but I guess it's harder to go shirtless there, so what's the point?

I'll make this short and sweet since I'm tardy anyway:  The ladies are informed that there won't be roses on the one-on-one dates; only on the group sitch.  First, Ben has a one-on-one with Lindzi, who still insists on spelling her name that way.

She's chill.  He likes her.  Blah, blah, blah.  She reminds me of every girl who likes horses a ton.

Next, he has a one-on-one with Emily, which sends Courtney "the model" into tearful talking heads.  Wow.  This is the first proof that we have that she's possibly human and not some kind of evil model-bot.  If you never watched the show before, you might almost think she was a normal person.  Almost.

Courtney is upset because she hates Emily (who Ben insists on keeping around) and she hasn't gotten a one-on-one date in a while, but I think - as opposed to being sad because she wants to spend time with Ben - she's actually bummed like a bratty child refused a toy.  That or she's on the rag.

Emily and Ben have a date that seems fine, but sort of formal and like there might not be tons of attraction there.  Plus, I don't believe for a hot second that he actually wants to date someone smarter than him.  Although dating dumber definitely shrinks the pool.

Whether or not she's smarter remains to be seen though, since she calls Ben "spontaneous."  Really?  Again with this pretending the producers don't plan the dates and didn't plant that lobster guy?

Next, Courtney does in fact get the third one-on-one date.  She tells Ben how much she hates Emily and the other girls, but for some reason this is not cause to condescend to the model-bot lie he did with Emily.  Instead he fawns over Courtney.  She smartly tells him she isn't sure she feels it for him anymore, so he feels like he's pursuing her.  He practically flat out tells her that he wants to pick her.  He seems desperate.  Model-bots can do that to half-men.

Toward the end of the date, Courtney says she feels "the spark" for him again and Ben tells the camera (America!) that he thinks it's a good sign that she was able to get the spark reignited so quickly.  Yeah, Ben.  Or it's a fucking TERRIBLE sign that she lost interest that quickly in the first place.  Moron.

He says he wants a woman "with edge" and who is "weird," which is just clueless lamo speak for "I'm attracted to crazies" and that's true of every guy who isn't actually ready to have a real relationship.  Boooring.  Could you BE more predictable? [Spoken like Chandler Bing.]

The group date is shark swimming with Rachel, Kacie B. and Nicky.  They're woken up at 4am by Ben unexpectedly.  (Considering how some of those girls probably look without makeup, I'm surprised he didn't send them ALL home.)  They're given time to get dressed, put on makeup and, yes, shave their pits before heading out on a boat.  Ben spends lots of time with Rachel, but we all know she's going home.

Kacie B. confesses her love for him in that awkward way that happens on The Bachelor because he's literally not allowed to say anything in return.  They kiss and then stare at each other in uncomfortable silence until she says, "Surprise!"  That makes me laugh.  Kacie B. gets the group date rose, which means he's going to meet her family, which he says is because she poured her heart out, but is really because she's only one of the three who he actually likes.  Or maybe he's always wanted to see Tennessee.

The girls warn Ben about Courtney, which he is totally not going to hear.  In a talking head, Courtney says she's not threatened by Kacie B.  "She's a little girl in a little boy's body," she quips before complaining that the other girls are catty.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Then, it's the cocktail party, which doesn't happen because Ben has already decided.  He does pull Courtney aside to ask if she's sincerely interested in him.  She says, yes.  That's surprising.

In the end, he sends home Rachel and Emily and offers them no explanation and doesn't walk them out.  Because he has no class.  And once again I'm sort of missing Brad and his therapist.  At least he was trying to better himself.  Maybe he dismissed Emily because Courtney is holding the reigns or maybe it's because he didn't want to jump her bones (literally - she is so skinny).  Either way, she's bye bye.

Meanwhile, Courtney endures of course because she's the world's best TV, except I'd really love to see him glimpse her insanity and react BIG.  If he chooses her, he's in for a rude awakening.  But maybe that's what Ben needs.  That and a kick in the head.

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: Scoop! (No Spoiler -- Don't Worry!)

Apparently, this image is from some upcoming event post-Bachelor season!

I'm not even sure what to say.  Any thoughts?  I guess they're all single except Ashley.

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor or "Despicable Ben"

Holy shite.  Holy shite.  Holy shite.

This week, on the most unwatchable and cringe-worthy episode in Bachelor history, many interesting things happened.  But I only know about half of them because I literally couldn't bring myself to watch the humiliation.  I had to avert my eyes.

Anyway, here goes:

The crew arrives in Panama City and Ben says they're starting off fresh ... again.  It sounds like he's hoping.  I am watching with my friend A.P., who is basically a dating expert, and she calls it right away: Ben is feeling both distracted and guilty about the Courtney skinny dipping.  I totally agree.  On one hand he's obsessed; on the other he feels like he broke the rules or betrayed the other chicks.

One-On-One

Anyway, Ben & Kacie B. go on her second one-on-one date.  Courtney "the model" hopes the sweet and innocent Tennessee girl will get sent home, but that is so not happening yet.  Kacie B. & Ben F. go to some deserted island by ... helicopter.  What else?  When he reveals the date plan, I think I even detect a note of irony from him.  Or maybe he's just constipated.

Anyway, they cut open a coconut, she thinks he's hot and everything seems basically fine, except he seems a little grumpy and distant and he barely touches her.  He doesn't crack a smile.  Does he not feel it anymore?  Is he burnt out on the process?  Does her innocence seem lame in the face of Courtney's midnight hand jobs?

There's only one clear answer to that bevvy of questions and extreme over-analysis: He's just not that into her!

Maybe I'm just not that into him.

I dunno, man.  I just think he's an asshole.  He's condescending and arrogant and believes his own hype and he's too cocky about being the object of a model's affection to notice that Courtney is out of her gourd.  I've decided he's almost as bad as weird aggressive Jake Pavelka.  What say you?

Anywaaaaay, Kacie B. reveals - in answer to some very clipped and rapid fire questions from Ben - that she's particularly mature because she used to have an eating disorder.  And in case you were wondering which one, she reveals that her parents "caught" her in the act.  T.M.I. for The Wine Guy?  Ben can't send her home in the face of that information, but he seems like maybe he wants to -- which I admit is very surprising to me.  I usually think he likes this girl. Maybe he's just bummed about the state of his hair, but it sort of seems like he wants to send everyone home and take a nap.  No sense of humor this guy.  He has the vibe of a spoiled child, all sour.

Group Date

The group date is a canoe trip and Ben perks up (no pun) at the sight of Courtney's boobs, when they all put on traditional garb and she chooses to go without a cover-up under intermittent beads.  Ben thinks this is great because she gets into the spirit of things and also he gets to see her boobs.  But she clearly hasn't embraced anything cultural because she just walks around shaking her exposed breasts at everyone back-and-forth and then looking down and admiring them.  She even shimmies them at a group of small children.  Ew.

As usual, she monopolizes Ben's time, but it's Lindzi who gets the rose.  He likes that the horse girl is laid back.  And who can blame him?  At least she's not drama.  They both agree that they don't believe in fighting, which is weird because he seems filled with rage.  Also, fighting isn't like Santa Claus.  It's not really a debatable thing.

Meanwhile, Jamie (Who? Yes, I know, you've never seen her before!) decides to try to come out of her shell and kiss Ben, but gets distracted when Courtney intentionally struts around in a white bathing suit behind them.  She is so painfully obvious that I can't believe Ben can't see through her crap, but then maybe he doesn't care because she's so pretty.  I want to believe that better men would find her pathetic despite the hotness, but - let's be honest - maybe not.  This is going to sound weird, but I think Brad would have sent her home by now.

Meanwhile, after being condescended to yet again by Ben, who actually hates the fact that she's smarter than him despite claiming the opposite, Emily the Ph.D. apologizes to Courtney for having bad mouthed her (who knows why?).  Courtney seems at first like she might accept, but then informs her blond nemesis that she's not just going to "bend over."

Class. Act.

Two-On-One

The next day is a two-on-one with Blakely (The "VIP Cocktail Waitress" a.k.a. escort) and Rachel-with-the-bangs.  That means that one person has to be sent home during the date.  Blakely is at least feigning bizarre excitement over the date, even though everyone watching is like - bye bye.  So obvious that she won't last.

The date happens.  They salsa dance, which Ben says is "sweaty and sexual."'  Blakely is better because, well, I think she's a stripper, no?  Plus, she can stomp, remember?  It's awkward.  But it's not THAT awkward until Blakely pulls out a scrapbook all about Ben that looks like a project some pre-teen girl made in middle school detention.  Maybe in special ed.  Sorry.  But it's true.  It's humiliating enough that she's a grown woman spending her time doodling his name, but then she can't stop crying too.

Then they do this:

Then, what seems like two minutes later and not a trick of editing, he sends her packing.  It's a bad scene.  I mean, why would you stick your tongue down her throat, just to send her home?  He had to know what he was doing by then!  He so has no right to fault Ashley H. for letting him get on one knee.

Anyway, he walks Blakely to the van and she sobs on his shoulder.  Seriously.  She won't let go.  Of course, he uses his signature suave line, which OBVIOUSLY makes the girls feel worse: "I'm just so much farther along with other women."  Do you always have to say "SOOOO," Ben?  I wish one of them would tell him off.  I want to write him a letter.

Scandal

Anyway, next the girls are hanging out, when Chris Harrison comes in and asks to speak to the other Kacie.  Kacie H.?  Kacie S?  Who knows?  Again, you're probably saying, wait who???  This is Courtney's blonde beta, who basically never talks or gets on camera. Chris Harrison says he's heard she's still in love with someone else in Chicago, but I think this is a reach.  It turns out that she has an ex-boyfriend who won't marry her, who she's trying to get over.

Chris brings her to see Ben and tell him and, because Ben F. is SUCH A DOUCHE, he's really mean to her about it.  She ugly cries and we have to watch her sob incoherently about a relationship at home that seriously has no bearing at all on the show.  "Maybe I need to be in therapy," she wails and I think she has a good point.  But she didn't come on under false pretenses.  She just wanted to be free of this former attachment.  But Ben is pissy.  He tells her he thinks she should go home, as if he's commanding it, even though she's obviously already going home.  That's why she's THERE, stupid.  Stop trying to act like it was your decision.

This guy blows.

Cocktail Party

Anyway, just when you thought things couldn't get more pathetic, Jamie decides to make her move at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony.  She gets Ben alone and awkwardly tells him that she thinks about "doing things" with him at night.  Then, in a dress where she really can't move her legs, she proceeds to try to climb on top of him and straddle him.  But she's shy and this is not her thing and it's just awkward.  And every time they start kissing, she starts giggling and, since he is so effing bitchy this week, he reprimands her for laughing.

She climbs off and they try kissing again with her literally instructing him on when to open and close his mouth and then FINALLY it stops because he says he can't take it anymore.  Neither can I!  And the rest you will have to Youtube because I hate scary movies and this was basically a horror show.  My eyes!  My eyes!  My ears!  My ears!  I will never truly recover.  This was not for the Bachelor novice.

Rose Ceremony

Well, it's no mystery who is going home, although Jamie says she doesn't know what Ben is thinking.  Really, Jamie?  You seem like a smart girl relative to the others.  You don't know where this is going?  Well, maybe you just lose perspective when you're being brainwashed for this show.

Anyway, he sends Jamie home and they're off to Belize because ... well, it's close by.  And at least Courtney doesn't announce that she was just there two months ago this time.

And, just like that, another Bachelor episode comes to a close.  Although this time I feel I need some time to recover.

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Gets To First Base (At Least)

Yeah, I know.  My Bachelor recap was conspicuously absent this week.  Mostly because I watched the show with some friends and got to vent my utter disbelief on the spot.

But still I must exchange at least some thoughts with you all.  (PS I have a cold, so if this makes no sense, blame the Nyquil.  Is that even how you spell Nyquil?)

Anyway, the gang is off to The W Retreat & Spa in Vieques, Puerto Rico.  "If you don't get a rose, you'll be on a plane back to the United States," warns host Chris Harrison.  I love me some CH, but isn't Puerto Rico IN the United States?

Anyway, the first date card is in Spanish and, well, you can just imagine how our girls fair with that situation.  The PhD Emily interprets the message for them ... of course.

Nicky gets the date and is all excited, dressed up in a heinous asymmetrical number that's anything but flattering.  I recommend wearing dresses with two shoulders.  It increases your chances of staying.  Just saying.

The date is good enough so that Ben doesn't send her home (and it even affords him the chance to kiss her in the rain -- so wonderfully on the nose!), but I don't think he likes her enough that she'll be sticking around for long.  She exchanges her soaked one shoulder dress for an even uglier handkerchief frock plucked from some local store and, well, I would have sent her home just for picking it out.  She seems nice though.  She remarks that "any woman would be lucky to have" Ben and I'm not convinced.  But anyway.

Back at the house, the group date card is read and Patty from Millionaire Matchmaker (truly I can't remember the girl's real name anymore) will be getting the one-on-one.  She's super excited, even though everyone and her mother at home knows she'll be sent packing.  Actually, Courtney -- psychopath though she seems to be -- says that Patty will be going home: "I hope I get her number.  I could use a personal trainer," she quips.  Always a kind word.

The group date is a baseball game ... in a porno.  The girls are dressed like Hooters waitresses in short shorts, but they're as ladylike and classy as a pack of drunk Red Sox fans.  (Requisite dig from a Yankee fan -- sorry!)  The girls are separated into teams and only one group will get to spend the evening with Ben, who BTW has even worse hair in Puerto Rico than everywhere else.  Sure, it's not as flat, but now it's a frizzy poof.  Bad scene.

Blakely, Emily, Rachel and the nurse (whose name I am blanking yet again) lose and Blakely is CRUSHED.  When the inevitable helicopter comes to pick up the other team and Ben, she shouts, "I hope you guys throw  up!"  She's gone coocoo for Coco Puffs, if you ask me.

Kacie B. gets the group date rose, which isn't too much of a shocker and, for once, Courtney is worried.  Ben has his date with Patty, which is really too brutal to get into.  Suffice it to say that she wears a one shoulder dress too and has a total breakdown when he sends her home mid-date.

Afterward, Ben goes back to his hotel room and Courtney -- who is obviously HAMMERED -- sneaks over in just a robe and underwear and convinces him fairly easily to go skinny dipping, full monty.  She literally tells him, "I'm about to rock your world."  I'm starting to think she's mostly insane because she's drunk all the time.

The scene is pretty racy as far as I'm concerned because they're clearly buck naked and making out in the water.  We speculated about whether they had sex, but we think probably it was just heavy petting.  But who knows?  Courtney knows!

Anyway, at the cocktail party, PhD Emily apologizes to Ben for trash talking about Courtney the week before ... and then proceeds to do it again.  Don't get me wrong: This strikes me as unwatchably awkward.  I want to scream "No!  Don't do it!" like I'm watching a horror movie.  But Ben's response is a HUGE turn off.  He is incredibly condescending, speaking to her as if he were disciplining a child.  "What I encourage you to do ... blah blah blah."  Between this and the totally harsh way he dismissed simple Samantha last week, I'm starting to think maybe he's not such a nice guy.  Maybe he and Courtney deserve each other?

And then there's the rose ceremony and redhead Jennifer goes home, I'm guessing because she's got the friend vibe.  I guess the best kisser in the house paled in comparison to the best ocean hand job giver (that's Courtney).  But now is when it gets good because he's mostly got girls left who have at least SOME shot.

See you next week, when Courtney does something else insane!

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Goes To Utah

Here we are in Utah, a state that's quite familiar with multiple women dating one single man!  Woo hoo.  Well, it's Sundance right now in real time in Park City, so I have to imagine they timed it that way for some reason?  Or maybe it's a weird coincidence?

Anyhoo, the Bachelor episode opens and sister wife Kacie B. is freaking out.  She says she needs another date with Ben this week or she's going to lose it.  Um.  Kacie B.  It's gonna be a while before you have a second one-on-one.  There are still like 700 other girls.

Still, her panic reminds me of JP on Ashley's season and starts to make me think that maybe she actually really clicked with Ben and that they might end up together.

Anyway, it's Rachel's one-on-one date.  And she's gone mute.  She's crazy shy maybe?  She keeps talking about all the pressure of first dates.  They're on a row boat and it's so dull that the massive amount of mosquitoes are pulling focus.

Back at the house, the girls hate Courtney - newsflash!  She says she blossoms around Ben and shuts down around the girls.  If that's how you want to describe it, el psycho!  Anyway, she's all prepped for her first group date and PhD Emily says hopefully Ben will see the truth about her.

Back on the date, Rachel gets a rose, probably because she has a cool voice, she's pretty and she admitted that she has trouble "opening up."  By that I guess she means talking?  They swap marshmallows.  That's not a euphemism for anything.  He describes their potential relationship as a "slow burn."

Ben shows up on the group date on a horse. That's soooo Lindzi.  It is beautiful there, I have to say.  One of the girls says, "How attractive does he look right now?"  A few comment on how nature doesn't get more beautiful AND it's only better because they're with Ben ... and a bunch of other hoochie chicks.

Courtney says the date isn't about catching trout.  It's about catching Ben.  She says the other girls aren't on their game, but Ben is paying attention to Kacie B.  Courtney says she's going to turn the date into a one-on-one.  But Lindzi isn't having it.  Don't matter though because Courtney catches a fish and apparently that's exciting.

At drinks, Ben chats with Kacie S., who I thought was Samantha.  Whatever.  They're both blond.  Blakely is wearing a terrible hat.  Nicki connects with him over losing loved ones and we find out that a friend of Ben's died right before he started the show.  Just then, Samantha shows up and acts like an idiot.  Such bad timing!  She's clearly dumb as dirt and tries to challenge him, asking why she hasn't gotten a one-on-one.  He gets pissed and pushes back.  Don't test him, mofo.  He has a temper.  We saw it when Ashley dumped him.  I kinda like it.  He don't take crap.

He tells her that he's observed that she's overly emotional on group dates.  He sends her straight home, saying that she doesn't take the whole thing seriously enough.  She was absurd, but -- wow -- that was harsh.  He thought she was being a bitch, but she was actually just being a moron.  Sorry, Samantha.  Bye bye.

Courtney, always eloquent and kind, says, "It's nice to see Ben sending girls home.  Another one bites the dust."

Ben gives Kacie B. one-on-one time during the date.  He likes her, for reals.  He always gives her extra time.  He likes her a lot and he says that he's "in trouble."   They still have to go through this whole process!  He says, "I might end up with her.  She's wonderful."

Then he's with Courtney and he is so whipped by her model ass.  She manipulates him into giving her the rose by saying that her feelings are wavering.  But she's so hot that he panics.  (BTW -- his hair is wet and away from his face and he looks SO much better.)

The other women are all upset.  But what else is new?

The next one-on-one is with "good kisser" Jennifer, who I think he might keep around for making out purposes, but not for real.  I don't even know why I feel that way.  They're going to climb down/rappel into a crater.  Meanwhile, all I can think is that I want to re-color her way too red hair.

They lower into the water.  It's a metaphor for a relationship, unknown waters blah blah blah.  It rains etc. blah blah blah.

Back at the house, Blakely is doing Emily's highlights.  Obviously, she's not so hated anymore.  They all hate Courtney and -- wait! -- that girl Jamie who took care of her siblings when her parents died is still around.  I didn't even realize!  We haven't even seen them talk.

Back on the date, there's a country music concert and OMG thank goodness -- it's not an awkward personal show.  Phew.  But just when I think we're safe, they go right up to the stage and sway.  Eek.

Anyway, on to the cocktail party, where Emily tries to warn Ben about Courtney and instead ends up looking bad.  Courtney is evil, saying Emily is on her "shit list."   She's such a psychopath and I can only imagine that Ben is blind to it because she's so hot (as evidenced by "scenes from next week," when she strips down completely and goes skinny dipping with him).

Monica -- who appeared to possibly be into Blakely on the first episode -- is sent home and is upset, but it's confusing because her goodbye with Ben makes it seem like they've barely talked.

I'm worried about next episode, when Emily seems to try to warn Ben AGAIN for some stupid reason and Courtney just gets naked to get her way.  I guess we'll have to wait and see.  Ben can't rightly go skinny dipping with her and make out naked in the water and then send her home, so I'm guessing she'll be sticking around.

Still, my favorite moment in the entire episode?  When Ben announces that they're going to "Vieques, Puerto Rico!" at the end and -- amidst the other girls' shrieks of happiness -- Courtney pouts, "I was just there two months ago."

Really, Ben?  Really?  I'm not even going to talk about the accent he used when he said "Puerto Rico."

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor a.k.a Bitches Be Crazy

So many awkward moments, so little time ... on this episode of The Bachelor, featuring Ben's hair flat-ironed YET AGAIN.  For the love of all things holy!  PLEASE stop styling his situation. It's at least a little better left shaggy!

Anyway, here are my top 10 favorite moments from the night:

1. When Emily and Ben climb The Golden Gate Bridge because she's obviously admitted to the producers that she's afraid of heights despite being a PhD candidate who should know better.  (If it was me, I'd tell them I was afraid of sushi and massages ... although I am kind of scared of those together on a reality show date actually.)

2. When Emily freaks out like she might fall off the bridge and Ben says, "Talk to me, Goose!" to try to comfort her.  Um.  Ben.  Goose dies.

3. When Emily, who seems mildly intelligent, says that Ben's kiss gives her the strength to get up the rest of the bridge.  P.S. Why are people not worried about drivers seeing them, getting distracted and crashing?

4. When Ben says that Emily is smarter than him and she doesn't disagree.  (Okay, I realize that this is a lot of Emily action, but she got the first one-on-one date and also she's my new favorite cause she cursed a bunch during the episode and sort of seems the most normal.)  I also liked during their private fireworks display, when the girls back at the hotel could see and you heard one of them screech, "I'm so ssssad right now."

5. During the group date, when Ben informs the girls that they're going, "snow skiing."  I think that's just called, "skiing," Ben.  Then when they strip down to bikinis to ski like it's a porno and there's a weird SF guy with a long beard and scraggly hair watching.

6. When the grandma girl Brittany decides to go home for some reason (Is she too insecure?  Does she really feel that she doens't deserve a chance with him?  Is she freaked out by the circumstances?  Turned off by his hair?).  Either way, grandma will be bummed.

7. When he then takes Lindzi on the date instead (why the pancake makeup, girl?) and they are forced to dance during a private concert.  So awkwaaaaard.  When they kiss only because it's better than having to dance.  And when they go to a speakeasy and she tells that bizarre story again about getting dumped via a text that read, "Welcome to Dumpsville, Babe.  Population you," but it gets even weirder because she says that was the only time she's ever been in love.  I feel like that reflects really badly on her because either the guy was the biggest douchbag on the planet, she never really knew him in a year and a half of dating and/or we're not getting the full story.  Or maybe she was dating Bentley.

8. When Ben tells the redhead that she's the best kisser in the house, which she takes as a huge compliment despite the fact that he's admitting to having made out with almost everyone else in the house.

9. Of course, when Shawntel the furneral director from Brad's season shows up and they try to make her a villain, but she's kind of not.  (Of course it's her BTW because she also has parents who can't spell a name normally and that's the theme of this season.)  Is she being set up as the next Bachelorette or was this just an attempt to liven up the season?

10. The whole last 10 minutes:

A. When the personal trainer (who I call "Patty" because she looks like Millionaire Matchmaker) just sits there watching, when Ben obviously wants her to leave so he can talk to Shawntel.

B. When the girls all start crying, even the crazy pants model and blonde Rachel with the bangs, who has a rose.

C. When PhD Emily says it looks like they had chemistry.

D. When I of course see a few girls I don't recognize at all because it's the third episode and that's when girls who you swear have never been on before show up.

E. When the girls are too DUMB to realize that Shawntel and Ben have met on The Bachelor circuit, probably doing appearances, and Patty the personal trainer shouts/shrieks at Shawntel (in the WORST Jersey accent), "You don't know Ben!  You were with Brad's season!"  She was WITH Brad's season?  Okay.

F. When that blonde girl with the not so pretty face (sorry) Jaclyn, says, "What IS this?" in response to Shawntel showing up.  I want to scream at the screen, "A REALITY SHOW! Isn't it grand?"

G. When I notice that Chris Harrison's hair is getting longer.

H. When someone says on V.O., "On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm going to throw up."

I. When Ben calls Samantha's name during the rose ceremony and I'm like, "Who?"

J. When the girl with the black curly hair who made fun of Shawntel's thighs has an anxiety attack (or maybe faints from not eating) and then gets sent home anyway.  Oops.  And Ben says, "Well, I wasn't expecting that."

K. When crazy pants model Courtney shows her true colors by chiding Ben for his antics at the rose ceremony and swearing she'll go home if he keeps Shawntel.  As if.

L. Well, I can't say when Shawntel goes home cause I kinda wanted her to stay.  She's pretty and I like her!  But it was classic when Courtney yelled, "Sianara!" as Ben walked Shawntel out.

M. When Shawntel says that Ben was silly to send her home out of fairness, when this is about his future wife.  (I kinda agree).

N. In scenes from next week, when everyone looks INSANE again!

For the record, my frontrunners are: Kasie B. from Tennessee, Rachel with the blonde bangs, Emily the PhD girl and, well, only cause I want him to like her, that nurse girl who took care of her whole family.  I actually don't think that redhead is going to be the thing and, when he does pick someone, that other girl is going to be PRETTY pissed that he called her the best kisser.  Maybe Nicki is up there too.  Wait?  Is Nicki the nurse?  Is that the same person?  Eh, who knows?  It doesn't matter!  This is reality TV!

Until next week!

xo - N.

 

 

 

 

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor, Take 2!

Phew.  Thank goodness I get to finally watch. It's been pure torture to wait!  Weirdly, it's also sort of like torture to watch.  But such is the complexity that is The Bachelor.

And we're off to Sonoma, a place that I love and I'm afraid they might taint.  I'm surprised that they let these chicks into wine country.  I'm surprised they let his HAIR into wine country too.  NOTE TO PRODUCERS: Paleeeeese stop styling his hair.  It's AWFUL.

Kacie B. has the first one-on-one date (yes, there are several Kacies).  She's cute and from Tennessee and yet another girl whose parents just made up the spelling of her name.

Courtney -- the evil model -- is hoping Kacie B. won't get the rose, which is not surprising.  I'm just a little shocked that she didn't start her sentence with "cause I'm a model."  Seriously, that should be a drinking game: Take a shot every time Courtney reminds us that she's a model, at least based on last week.  Why?  Cause she's a modeeel.

They get in a convertible Bronco, which I think is sort of the world's coolest car.  They're in Downtown Sonoma, which is just a quaint square.  I love it there.  Kacie B. says Ben brings out things in her that she "hasn't been in touch with in a while."  And I am starting to wonder if she's already about to say, "I'm falling for him."

Kacie B. says she has a secret to reveal: As a child, she ... twirled a baton!  That's a secret?  She grabs a baton from the candy store.  Ben feels a little emasculated by twirling a baton, walking down the street.  And he should.  She's kinda boring and lame.  But whatever.  At least she's not crying in a bathroom.  They eat at The Girl & The Fig and I want to yell, "Order the burger!"

They talk about his dad.  She says their chemistry is natural.  I think it's non-existent, but Andrew (the hubby) says Ben F. just brings out the boring in people.  Time will tell!  She gets the rose.  They kiss.  Snoooooozeville.  They go to a theater -- Is this going to be one of those humiliating private concerts?  Nope.  Home videos of her and her dad.  Why?  I have no idea.  These people barely know each other!  Why would it mean anything to them?

But obviously this is just to push Ben's buttons about his Dad.  Home videos etc.  He's literally about to start crying.  Then she is crying in a talking head.  I mean, this isn't as bad as the roast for insecure Ashley, but ... buzz kill for a date.  She says, "She has found what could be a lifetime of love with Ben."  It's been 3 hours, people!

Back at the house, the group date card shows up.  I have no idea who is going because there are eleven of them and they're barely even familiar from last episode.  Ben says, "That's a lot of pairs of legs."  That's not at all superficial.

He's back in the town square again and they're doing a play.  Eek.  They "playwrights" are kids.  Couldn't be more PG, I guess.  They make the girls act like pigs, weasels and princesses.  They request that the ladies do "sexy dances" and "jog in slow motion." Tricky with no bra, Blakely.  She did not win praise from the kids.

Back at the house, Courtney also hates Lindzi, the horse girl who got the first impression rose last week.  Is there anyone she doesn't hate?

Back on the date, crazy Jenna -- who lost her mind last week -- has to wear a beard for her part.  Prettttty funny.  Turns out that there is an audience, including some of Ben's closest friends.  Do they not have something better to do?  (Who am I kidding.  I would be there in a hot second.)  Interesting though that some of his peeps will get an early impression of some of the women.

On a side note, is it weird to involve middle schoolers in The Bachelor?  Like are these kids going home and watching later episodes of Ben in a hot tub?  Well, never mind that -- Ben basically strips on stage and it is just WEIRD.  The dental hygienist from Texas Nicki dressed as a donkey and she's super into him.  Jennifer with auburn hair from Oklahoma City wins the Oscar for best performance (as a weasel?).  The two blonds ask for kisses together because they got skipped during the play.  Really though?  At the same time?

The girls are not feeling Blakely (the VIP cocktail waitress -- really, that's her job).  Apparently, she's aggressive.  She looks a little like she's in drag and she's got a LOT of teeth.  I'll give them that.  Ben starts talking to her and says she seems "grounded."  Um. Really?  Can you not see her CRAZY eyes?  She's 34, so they call her a "cougar."  No comment.

Someone named Samantha is hiding in the bathroom because she hates Blakely.

Back at the house, Courtney gets the one-on-one date.  Kacie B. reads the date card, which says something about spinning a bottle.  "How does that taste coming out of your mouth?" says Courtney.  Um.  The other girls don't even know what to say.  Cause I'm a model ...

And the first hot tub kiss goes to Jennifer "The Weasel."  He's getting kind of down and dirty with her, so I think he'd be sort of wrong not to give her the rose.

Blakely announces that she's a Scorpio.  I am too.  Now, I sort of wish she hadn't said that.  Second hot tub kiss goes to the old lady!  And so does the rose.  The girls are maaaaaaad.  Jennifer cries and say she wants to fall in love, which I feel like is always a bad sign.  You should want the actual person, not to be in love with some amorphous idea.

The one-on-one date starts and Ben brings his dog Scotch.  If that dog has any instincts, it will whimper and hide from Courtney.  Every girl in this house is wearing knee-high boots and shorts on her date.

And it's the season's first picnic!  Courtney says she hasn't been asked out in a while.  I think that's because, when you're doing coke at a club with whatever dude has bottle service, it's not officially a date.

She is pretty though.  Her hand is on his knee.  He says he has his career and is just looking for someone to share his life with and that she probably feels the same way.  Yes.  Courtney would like to model for the rest of her life.  Or at least until she's a 34-year-old cougar like Blakely.  Then she can just kill herself cause she's so damn old.

Ben loves Courtney and she is doing a good performance of normal, but mostly I think he's blinded by the fact that she's hotter than him.  Ben asks, "Is this too good to be true?"  Yes, Ben.  It is.  He parties hard and now he is growing up blah, blah, blah.  I think she's bored out of her mind, but pretending to be interested.  All I can think about is how, even if he picked her, one day he will watch this show and see her say to Kacie B., "How does that taste coming out of your mouth?"

At the end, she poses with her rose in front of camera and cackle -- no joke.  She's so doing this for her "career."

Time for the cocktail party and OMG his hair looks SO deeply bad!  Lindzi tries to sell him on her being a farm girl.  Blakely -- who is safe this week -- breaks up Samantha's one-on-one time and she's pissed.  Apparently, they call Blakley, JUGS.

OMG -- This has gotten looooong.  Let me sum it up: Jenna is crying again.  They blame Blakely.  It has nothing to do with JUGS, but what can you do?  She's the scapegoat and then she's crying.  Ben finds her and tells her to "collect herself."  Was that supposed to make her feel BETTER?  OMG -- everyone is crying.  Jenna is under the covers on a bed!!!

Rose ceremony time: Crazy Jenna and the girl with the skunk hair go home.  I think it's a good thing.  Jenna needs to get home and find a psychiatrist STAT.  See you next week (cause I'm a model ...) when someone either passes our or dies during the rose ceremony.

xo - N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: The Bachelor Premiere (Christmas Comes Late For Bach Lovers!)

It's January 2nd and already I'm prepared to trash my resolutions, forget about avoiding junk food, cooking more and boning up on high-culture and serious news.  Because the temptation is simply too great -- THE BACHELOR IS BACK!  And that is cause for major debauchery and celebration in my book.

So, for better or worse, I am stuffing my face with takeout, as I rebuff my half read New Yorker magazine, Antiques Road Show on PBS and even 2 Broke Girls (well, somethings aren't hard) for the greatest show on earth at 8pm sharp!  Yes, like an avid sports fan who refuses to DVR, I will even watch commercials.

(I need to make up for missing by mere hours a personal appearance Ben F. made at a wine shop in Sonoma, when I was up north.  Crushing.)

Before the show even starts, of course, we all have some inkling of what is to come (toned butter faces doing headstands on the beach before slipping into synthetic prom gowns ... and even a grandma, according to carefully leaked rumors!).

But certain issues are up in the air: I wonder, will they still call him "Ben F." The Wine Guy a la Kindergarten, when there's only one Ben?  Will they drag out this grandma thing as long as the stupid masked man from last season's Bachelorette?  As my sister speculated, will Ben F. be a horn dog like Jason Mesnick, a dummy like Brad or a creepy wife-beater-in-training type like Jake?  Will the ladies be as doggy as they look?

Well, first, I learned two very important things when googling for the above image:

1. Ben F. is extreeeemely asymmetrical in the nasal area.

2. When you google "Ben F." images, mostly pictures of Benjamin Franklin show up with a few of Ben F.  Two great men.

And so it begins!  David Gray plays in the background because Ben is so indieeee.

We're reminded that Ben was mad at the end of last season.  And we get to see him tell off Ashley H. again, after she dumps him.  But, since we last saw him, Ben has grown as a person.  He's learned to see that tough experience as valuable and also he's gotten a spray tan.  No really.  He's orange.

Of course the next montage begins with a woman on a horse -- what else?  And the first thing that's obvious is that her parents were super confused about how to spell her name.  It's Lindsey, people.  Or Lindsay.  Not Lindzi!  Jeez.  I mean, give your daughter a fighting chance.  (I'm already having visions of Shawntel from last season.)

What else?  One girl likes to shoot cute animals and eat "beef balls" (which are what they sound like) in a tube top; another named Jenna (and we will meet her again) is a neurotic New Yorker with her own blog, who she does a disservice from the very beginning to freelance writers everywhere.

Of course, there is the requisite "model" who announces that she is a model about 50 times and also says: "Girls are intimidated by me."  We all know that translates to "I'm a terrible person and can't play nice."  She also incidentally tells Ben that she fell for him during his season when he said something that really touched her.  He said, "I'm available."  Seriously.  That's all.

A nurse without a father, who raised her younger siblings, seems like a nice, relatively (operative word) normal girl, but is only a viable option if Ben takes the time to get to know her.  Basically, we're on track for a great season!

And now for the ever humiliating "cute" quips the girls make in an attempt to be memorable when they meet Ben for the first time, exiting the limo.  Let me tell you, folks.  There were some doozies this time.  Here are my top 5 cringe-worthy intros (nevermind the heinous dresses):

1. From the law student: "You're guilty ... of being sexy."

2. From Amber Bacon: "My friends call me the baconator. Want to taste?  This is Canadian bacon."

3. The girl who just walked past him without saying anything.

4. The chick from Kentucky in the absurdly huge hat that made everything awkward from the hug to whatever else.  Abandon the prop!  Prop fail.

5. From train wreck Jenna, trying to quote him back to him, but failing miserably and instead saying, "I loved when you said, 'Good things always end badly.'"  (That was not in fact what he said, but I think maybe for her they do.)

Turns out the grandma gimmick is just the intro to one of the girls and that turns out to be cute actually.  "Too cute," according to Ben.  I would like to add the rap by the PhD candidate though to my list of horrible moments.  That was really pretty damn awful too.  Why do skinny white people from the suburbs feel like they need to rap?

Can I take a time out and ask why oh why the producers insist on "styling" Ben's hair a.k.a. straightening it in the most horrible way?  I mean, it's sort of acceptable curly, but really?  He looks like a wet dog.

Moving on ... the girls get catty as usual.  One chick in a purple dress seems to be hitting on another woman and oddly she is NOT the girl who plays soccer.  Neurotic New Yorker Jenna has an insane meltdown because she feels picked on by the purple dress woman, who seems mean, but also like she has no clue whatsoever what Jenna is talking about.  And, despite attempts to console her by a blonde in a red dress named Rachel who seems nice, Jenna ends up crying alone in the bathroom.  (I also sort of think she's barfing from too much champagne.)

And suddenly I feel like I'm watching Intervention instead of The Bachelor and I'm wondering if anyone in the history of the show has ever tried to escape via the toilet.  This girl needs some lithium STAT.

Though Ben picks the horse woman for the first impression rose, that's really overshadowed by the disaster sobbing in the bathroom.  But instead of sending Jenna home mid-party per usual for the first episode drunk, she stumbles out for the rose ceremony.

And, though I seriously think they may have endangered Ben, Jenna and all the girls in the house, the producers actually make him keep her around!  She is just too good TV.  She is his last pick at the rose ceremony.  And, yes, she will accept this rose.  (And so will Miss Blondie in the purple dress, who will no doubt torture her.)

Ben sends a funny, but not so pretty British chick home, a few crazies (including the baconator) and one really pretty non-profit worker chick, who didn't manage to make a good impression.  (She was the token ethnic girl.)  Already the frontrunners seem to be the horse chick, a sweet brunette from Tennessee and the blonde Rachel girl.  But only time will tell!

And perhaps the best part of the whole episode is the scenes from the upcoming season, which I watched ALMOST all the way through, though I was afraid of knowing too much.  It looks plenty scandalous and I personally cannot wait. I will be here weekly for all the right reasons.

xo - N.

PS 10 points for anyone who can locate Jenna's blog!

SUMMER TRAVEL & SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION [Ritz Spa Treatments, Elie Saab Perfume, Elkin's Launch, Bachelorette Gossip & More]

Not that I have been nearly as attentive to you chickadees as I should be, but I'm about to be even worse.

Wait -- there's worse than one or two posts a week?  Why, yes.  There is.

I'm about to take a hiatus from all things work and writing and instead loll by, well, wherever they'll let me.  (And by "they" I mean the authorities.)

Still, in the meantime, I did want to leave you with some light reading that spans many different genres.  A little bit for everyone, perhaps?  Here goes:

Okay, first, I am OBSESSED with this brand new line by two sisters out of Downtown LA (see above Lake dress).  Their newest collection -- the first full one -- launched August 1.  I wrote about them for C Magazine and then about their official launch for Daily Candy.  Read up and shop!  How much do you want this lace dress?

Of course, my SELF.com blog "Fit Like Us" (which will be continuing over the next few weeks, despite my hiatus) covers all things fitness and health throughout the week.

For all you brides-to-be, I have a feature in the new Martha Stewart Weddings about wedding music and the country's best bands, DJs and D.I.Y. playlists.

Elie Saab has a new fragrance launching, which you can read about here in my story for elle.com.

The Ritz-Carlton Downtown just launched an insane, entirely new Spa menu, really their first major endeavor -- very red carpet etc.  Read about it here at Style.com.

Also, I didn't write this article, but for all you fellow Bachelorette whores, here's some gossip on how Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ben F. "The Wine Guy" started dating.  Um. Yeah.

And ... I have nothing to do with this show either, but I am OBSESSED with the new MTV show Awkward and I feel like I need to spread the word, so it doesn't get canceled like Huge.  The opening line to this last episode, "It was homecoming week and like an uncomfortably misguided tampon, it was impossible to ignore."

GENIUS!

Lastly, if you haven't yet, you MUST try the chocolate Zico coconut water.  It's INSANE.  Lactards, it will change your life.

And, with that, I guess I'm out.  Talk to you later, dudes.  Happy end of summer!

xo - N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: THE BACHELORETTE'S OVER -- WHAT NOW?

Sadly, this will have to be a super short post because I somehow injured one of my typing hands.

But I would like to begin by saying that Ashley's sister is a hater.  She goes off after like two seconds about how JP isn't the one.  First of all, she keeps calling him old -- an elderly 34.  Then, she decides that he's not wacky or fun enough for her sister.

Um.  Newsflash.  Ashley is not fun.  She likes to flash mob and cry.

Also, JP isn't funny enough?  He just made your asses love like 5 times.

I love how the sister keeps talking about how she makes rational decisions and that Ashley is irrational, which is so insulting -- and Ashley doesn't even notice.  If you don't have faith at all in Ashley's instincts then how do you propose she makes a decision?  The best part: We then find out that she's divorced.

Anyway, she hates JP and loves Ben and Ashley is too dumb to realize that her sister is a pathetic attention whore, so -- even though she CRIES and says she's heartbroken -- she seems to listen to her!  It's so obvious that Ashley actually likes JP best, but feels like she SHOULD pick Ben.

Why isn't anyone telling her that sometimes the guy you fit with best isn't necessarily your obvious type?  How can she not tell that her sister is miserable and jealous?  No matter which guy went first, she would have unleashed on him.  I feel sure of it.

Anyway -- after the family visits, she takes a mud bath with Ben.  Um.  TMI moment.  Then he tells her he loves her.

JP date -- she's clearly done a 180.  Her sister told her that her life with the "old" guy would be boring and dull and she's a stupid ass and believes it.  Even though he's a much less uptight more generous person than Ben -- it's obvious.  But she's going to make decisions based on what her sister thinks and it won't work out.  But then JP says he's madly in love and gave her a book, so who knows?

I have to say -- two things that make this season stand out -- first, that she doesn't express any weirdness at all about making out with all these dudes.  Usually, the women are a little more restrained.  Second, I sort of don't know who she is going to pick 100% for once.

And then ... it's Ben she's dumping.  And this is rough.  JP has been a neurotic Jew the whole time and worried that she'll dump him.  Ben has NO idea.  He's getting completely blind-sided.  He's crying about his dad.  She tries to tell him, but then he shushes her and gets down on one knee.  It's AWWWWWFUL.  And he does not wait around to act gracious.  He just walks the fuck out.  Totally shows his true colors.  He's like, "You can't leave something like this on good terms" and "Good things don't end unless they end badly."  NEGATIVO.  No matter what she did to JP, he would not have reacted this way.  I'm positive.

I'm kind of liking the pissed side of Ben.  But it's like a 180.  I bet she never even knew he had a temper.  Ben says he thinks that JP was the safe bet and that's why Ashley chose him.  He's wrong.  He was actually the safe choice.

Okay -- this didn't end up being short.  I'm a sick puppy, literally enduring pain to express my Bachelorette opinion.  Anyway, it's JP proposal time and I so think they might be one of the couples that actually lasts.  And he loves her and she loves him and he FINALLY proposes and then they stand around all awkwardly and then they do a montage to (YES, THEY WENT FOR IT!) REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling."  Which is a little upsetting -- does this mean that I won't ever be able to hear that song without thinking of The Bachelorette again?

Now comes "After The Final Rose" and we find out that Ben is now sleeping with Ashley's sister.  JUST KIDDING!  But how great would that be?  He still seems pissed, but he denies it.  I love when someone gets dumped and then shows their true colors.  He's super pissy.  And why did they STRAIGHTEN his hair?  Eeks.

Anyway -- JP & Ashley are totally in looooove.  Her sister is still a beeatch, even though she pretends to repent.  Her sister references holidays together -- Thanksgivings, Christmases.  Ashley adds, "Chanukah!"  I like that, Ashley!  Score one for the tribe.

BTW--Chris Harrison's hair is so dark, long and curly, right?

Anyway, that's all they wrote.  And no announcement about the next Bachelor.  Now what?  How will we spend our time?

xo - N.